I Was Worshiping the Tools (Original Version)

This is the raw, unedited piece I wrote two years ago. No cleanup, no polish—just the way it came out. If you’ve read the refined version and want to hear the unfiltered voice beneath it, here it is.

I have just one question.

How?

How is this possible?

Why did it not work? And yea I know I asked more then one question but I'm Jewish and I can't help myself.

Like I said, I'm Jewish. Frum Jewish. Daven 3 times a day Jewish. Went to brand name Yeshivas Jewish. Married a similar style girl Jewish. I send my kids to "top" schools in a major metropolitan Jewish community. I'm sincere in my avodas Hashem. I search for Him on a constant day to day basis. I strive to be a better Yid every day in how I deal with my loved ones, Hashem and the world at large. I'm extremely proud of my Jewishness and wouldn't trade it for the world.

I was brought up by extremely faithful parents who were as sincere as they were down to earth with their Yiddishkeit. It wasn't lip service, it was practiced truly, with strong knowledge and conviction, which they passed on to me which I am so grateful for. I was given every tool & resource necessary to have an authentic Yiddishkeit. I have a Rebbe and a Rav that I'm extremely close to. I was shown the beauty of connecting to Hashem thru mitzvahas and the eternal truth of His Torah and it's something I cherish everyday.

Shabbos is my favorite time of the week and I look forward to all Yomim Tovim with excitement even tho some of them can be hectic and hard to observe. The mesorah we have is something I don't believe any other religion can hold a candle to. Yiddishkeit encourages questions, allows for individuality & its morals & timeless lessons is something the rest of the world can use so very badly. Which other People, have a book that an individual wrote thousands of years ago that is still giving hope, strength & light to its reader like Dovid Hamelechs Sefer Tehillim?

How many books can stand up to the scrutiny of millions of people dissecting every syllable written within, for millenia, by some of the brightest of minds the Jewish people have known and not crumble? How many religions attempt to even make the slightest claim of a Nation seeing God witnessed by millions, while ours mentions it upwards of 50 times!

This is the Yiddishkeit I believe in. This is the Yiddishkeit my soul signed up for. This is the Yiddishkeit my neshomah soars when learning about.

Yet....

when confronted by a real long hard view in the mirror, one where I was no longer able to run or hide from myself, I came to a horrific realization. At a time when my life was in utter shambles, I was faced with the ugly and horrible truth how the main Character in all this was missing in my life. Hashem, who this was supposed to connect me too, wasn't found within me. I simply had no real connection to Him.

Of course Hashem is everything. Of course Hashem has a plan and that everything he does is for the good. Of course Hashem is all powerful and runs the world down the smallest detail. Of course I know how accessible he is to us at any given time of the day, thru prayer, thru language or just crying out to him when words won't surface. All of this I know. Intellectually. But it wasn't enough. It isn't enough.

Talking about eating never got anyone to experience satiation. Explaining how much fun the park is, never satisfied a child looking to play. Knowing how Awesome Hashem is, never got me to experience Him. I needed to feel how I don't feel Him at all, to know that I have a serious problem. Hence my question. How? How is this possible? Every tool and resource was given to me & I used them, yet ultimately it failed me.

If you came for the answer, start this article again. Remember I'm Jewish and proud of it. So I will just leave you with a series of questions like any good Jew would.

As Jews, we are from the smartest people on the planet, yet the distance from our brains to our hearts - where we have the gift of experiences - is almost as big as the planet itself. How have we left 50 percent of our humaness so neglected? How come we're told not to trust our hearts when that is where Hashem wants to rest? In fact that's the only place he can find us, the intellect doesn't allow for any such experiences.

How is it that I connected with all the mitzvahas yet I have no connection to Hashem Himself. When my life is I misaligned and my body disregulated, it isn't Hashem I turn too. Intellectually yes, but nowhere else in my body can you find Him.

Do we want to believe in Hashem, or do we want to experience Him in every fiber of our being? For me I realized that I only spoke about Him but I've never felt Him. I've never realized on a visceral level, how much I need him for my everyday life. How without Him I'm not even living. Every worry, every fear I have, is just telling me how much I truly need Him, but for 35 years I haven't known this.

How many more generations are we raising of doting every I and crossing every T but have yet to experience the fundamental ABC's, pun intended!? How many more times will we teach our children the exact halachic measurement and the utmost Hidur in every mitzvah while neglecting to connect our hearts to really feel Him? When will teach ourselves that Hashem doesn't want anything more then a place on this world where people actually have something to do with Him & not for Him.

Where is our soul?! It seems like we've started worshipping the tool rather then the one who Designed the tool as a means of connection. And as a practicing frum 35 year old Jew who loves Yiddishkeit because it makes sense intellectually, while nice and awesome, it isn't the reason Hashem put me here.

And the ultimate question, if this doesn't work, should I stop doing it? Actually, the ultimate question is how do get this thing to work, so that we don't bow down to false Gods any longer.

— איש