When in "Aiyah"- The Struggle God Can't Mess With

I think I might have found the answer to the age-old question: Free choice. Do we have it? If so, was it predetermined? Could I have chosen the other option? The oldest question in the book. With many answers.

Also—if it is all predetermined, why am I here? What purpose do I serve? And if God wanted something from me, couldn’t He have done it Himself? Why does He need me for it? And does God really care what I choose? It’s all Him anyway!?

Furthermore, is any of this even real? Like—if it’s all an illusion or a dream, where’s the real?

I don’t think I truly have the answer. No, sorry to disappoint you. But I think I have a pretty good perspective.

The truth is: God knows your choice because He’s beyond time. Much like you watching a recording of yesterday’s security footage. You know what’s going to happen, and you understand it doesn’t affect the person’s free choice in the moment because you’re beyond that point. So too, God. He’s beyond even the future.

But one thing He doesn’t truly have. One thing that isn’t predetermined. One thing that is truly ours:

The moment before we actually choose. When we’re wrestling with choice. When we’re wrestling with our moral values. That’s ours. Fully. Nobody gets to tamper with that—not even God. He stands by and watches. Looks on and smiles.

And while He may know what you’ll ultimately choose— in that moment before? That’s all you. That’s all us. And nothing else.

In the ache. In the wrestle. In the struggle. That is all of creation. It matters a lot less—to us and even to God—what we actually choose. It’s the process that precedes the choosing that is what’s truly real. And what truly matters. That’s all of life. That is life. The truest, purest thing.

In the davening of Yomim Noraim, at Keser, when the chazzan sings "Aiyah," in the Nusach Sefard machzor, there’s a small piyut that one can say and ask for one of three things: Money. Good kids. And ruach hakodesh.

I’ll be honest here—I ask for all three!

And I questioned: why there? Why not by Avinu Malkeinu? Why not by shofar blowing?

And also—I always have anxiety as to when to say it exactly. When the chazzan says the actual word? Or should the main word I say be timed exactly to when the chazzan says “Aiyah”? Real Jewish anxiety.

But I realized: the reason we ask for it there is because that’s where God is truly found. In the Aiyah. In the place I scream, "Where the hell are you, God? What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm so confused." In the moment before making the decision. The moment of wrestle. The moment before we actually decide.

Because what happens after—that’s been predetermined. But in the ache? In the struggle? That’s pure. That’s life. That’s where God lives. And so we can ask for anything.

We say every night by Maariv: "U'Mavdil bein yom uvein layla — Hashem Tzevaos Shemo." God isn’t found in the yom or the layla. He’s found in the bein - in the mavdil. In the in-between.

All of life can be predetermined. But not the struggle. Not the mavdil. Not the Aiyah.

So next time you find yourself plagued by indecision, extreme uncertainty— Don’t look to solve. Look to find what’s really there in that moment: Life. God. You.

Happy wrestling.

-איש